Be a Man

Maybe he doesn't look at me. Is it all a mistake? Am I going insane? Yes. Is my life so boring I've made up a love that doesn't exist? Am I making something out of nothing? Every cell of logic in my body says there's nothing here or there. But every cell of dreamer tells me it's all there, he keeps looking. Too bad the dreamer side is twice the size of logic. So I'm stuck here on the rollercoaster because it just keeps going, not stopping to let me off. I could jump and break every bone in my body, lay there until someone picks me up gingerly. Or I could wait until it runs out of gas. If I jump I can heal, eventually, and it'll be over. I'll be in control. If I stay I'll die on the circle of little hills going round and round, up and down. There is another alternative but I doubt it'll ever happen. He's not a big enough person. Come on, be a man. Hit the breaks and let me off. Whether you let me walk away or we go on more rides, I'll have my life back. I'll be free. Stop being selfish you ass. Be a man.

Gone Forever

Gone forever
What is that?
Forever doesn't register,
My brain is too small.
Not coming back?
Ever
In the rest of your lonely life
Not once will you,
ever
Gone forever
Or never had it in the first place?

Stressed

Tempting, very temping.
I could run and keep running. Through rain, snow, scorching heat I'll keep running. Maybe my sneakers will wear out and I'll be running in bare feet. Maybe I'll step on a piece of glass and keep slamming it down on the pavement, pushing it further into the leathery flesh of my soul. It might leave a bloody footprint, a red trail. Maybe I'll eventually bleed out, lose too much blood, slowly lose my colour, lose my breath. That's when I'll stop.
I could stay in bed, my warm, soft bed. Maybe I'll lock the door and let nobody in or out. I'll stay in the dark, in my bed. Maybe I won't eat anything and slowly watch m face become hollow, my cheek bones protrude from under my dark purple eyes. Maybe I'll lay there until I lose all muscle mass and not be able to get up, even if I wanted to. It's too late. I'll keep breathing shallow and slowly...slower. That's when I'll stop.
I could go swimming, in the ocean. Maybe I'll try and get to Britain, keep kicking. Maybe I'll get tired and slow down but I'll keep wading. Maybe I'll hit a storm and the angry waves will grow higher around me, dunking me under before I can catch a breath. Maybe the bitch will swallow me up and even if the she calms, maybe I'll be so drained of strength I'll slowly sink to the bottom. Breathing water and forgotten. That's when I'll stop.
I could keep writing. Ignore it all. The eyes, the people, the work, the hospital, the marks, the alarm. Maybe I'll keep writing and get it all out, screaming. Maybe the paper will be gray and smudged. Maybe my hand will cramp and my arm will burn. Maybe I'll finally cry. Maybe I'll kill the Nazi, the Hitler. Maybe after seeing she'll drink the poison. Maybe I'll stab my jugular with a sharp pencil and the lead will run through my viens. Maybe my blood will spew from my neck until there's nothing left. Maybe it'll fill my lungs and over flow into my mouth. Maybe it'll taste salty. That's when I'll stop.
Tempting, very tempting.

Trapped

Keep your mouth shut
Nobody wants to see in your head
The vast strange wilderness
Confusing, Scary
Rushing and flowing
Swirling in a current
Turn the tap off
Your wasting water
Can't turn it off, rusted shut
Keep your trap shut
They won't understand
Trapped, prisoner
Lost in the darkness
Drowning in the flood
Skin breaks
Overflowing, evil looks
Confusing, Scary
Shut up!
Stay Shut Up!

What I would trade

What I would trade for my freedom
From him
From this structured cage
From cynical eyes
Hazel eyes
Judging from the inside
Reflection, future
From the problems I chose to ignore
Closing in, crushing bone
I knew my lazy procrastination
Would kill me someday
I just didn't realize how soon